Start the Conversation

If you have been looking for a way to start a conversation with your parent or parents, this blog is for you. In my nearly 25 years with Friendship Haven, I have witnessed many people move to our beautiful campus. The experience of moving here is as individual as each person themselves. Some moves go better than others. (Keep reading… I’ll let you in on a little secret on the best moves.) There are also plenty of people who chose to never move to a retirement community but still plan for their future. I’d like to offer a friendly guide and a few suggestions for your family to consider as your parents make decisions for their future.

Notice I wrote “as your parents make decisions for their future.” There is a very big difference between your parents making decisions for their future versus you making decisions for them. This is a great place to start. Read this and share this blog together. Whether you are an adult child or a senior thinking about what’s next, this blog may be the nudge you didn’t know you needed.

Adult Child(ren)
Ask this open ended, curious question: How do you want to approach your future? Next step: listen and don’t offer suggestions. Find out what is important to them and learn. You might be surprised. If they can’t answer right away, provide time and space, but keep the conversation going.

Parent(s)
People often tell me, “I am not old enough to move to Friendship Haven.” Sometimes people are well into their '90s when they make that statement. If there is one thing I have learned and believe wholeheartedly is that age is a state of mind. Planning and aging in an ideal scenario go hand in hand. Aging without planning (regardless of the number) most of the time results in stress, heartache, and frustration.

Parent(s)
We are absolutely here to help with future planners and with future procrastinators. Again, a great question to ask while not in a crisis mode is: “How do you want to approach your future?” That may not be an easy question to answer, but starting with that question is highly recommended. As we age, we have the ability to help guide and direct, or we have the inability to face tough decisions and let things happen to us. Let me break it down in the kindest, simplest way I know how: Do you want to make decisions about how and where you live, or do you want your child to make those decisions for you?

Adult Child(ren)
The best time to have the conversation is when you don’t have to. Planning when there is already a health concern or crisis adds stress to an already stressful situation. Bring up the future when everything is going well. We believe moving to Friendship Haven with our wellness and social opportunities may actually be a great way for your parent(s) to live longer, healthier lives. The spirit of community for some people is the best preventative medicine ever. One comeback I’ve heard is: “My parent(s) isn’t social; this idea of eating with others and being around other people just isn’t for them.” How do you know? One resident told me years ago after he moved here, “This place saved my life.” Grief had become such a focus in his life, it was starting to take over his world. Being with other people who were living with similar circumstances brought out a new energy and focus in him.

Parent(s)
This might be the toughest paragraph to read, but trust me when I say it’s completely meant to be helpful not critical. Planning for your future rather than leaving it to circumstance, crisis, or your children is the most precious gift you could ever give your children. You decide when, how, and where rather than letting it be decided for you. In my experience, I have witnessed both sides of this. “Forcing” a move isn’t fun for anyone. It gets better with time, but looking forward to a move and being excited about the next chapter in your life is always more ideal. I know this to be true because of the enlightened residents who have told me so over the years. “I did this on my terms, when I wanted to, no one told me I had to.” and “I wanted to make a plan before I needed to so if my health changes, there are no decisions to be made, I know I’ll be here.” Those are just a few examples; there are many more.

We are all growing older; whether we are in the adult child role or the parent role, the future is unknown, and while we all would like to believe we won’t need some kind of support in the future, chances are many of us will. What that support looks like can be chosen, and it can be chosen before one actually needs it. I recognize Friendship Haven isn’t the choice for everyone; personally, I believe it’s a great choice. This blog is to prompt conversation, start thinking, and make a plan.

Originally, I thought this writing would take us to specific questions about the particulars of planning, but as I sit here, I recognize there is a giant first step that needs to happen before the technical aspects. Start talking and have the vulnerable, honest, challenging conversation. Avoiding the conversation doesn’t make it better; it just pushes it back and sometimes it doesn’t even happen. That’s when things can get tricky.

Both
The best moves to Friendship Haven are when families have planned, talked, and decided together that moving here is the best option before anyone “needs” to. Our independent and catered living options offer an opportunity not because seniors have to move, but because they want to move. The other secret we’ve discovered is mindset. The greatest impact on growing older successfully is a positive mindset! Even if Friendship Haven isn’t for you, my hope is that you are thinking about your future and proactively planning for it. If you would like help along the way we are here for you.